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Apr. 26th, 2009 10:35 pm FML

Ugh, this week has been rough. I guess I've had to consciously admit something that I've sorta known for a while - which is basically that, as a result of several very important people in my life leaving, I've basically shut myself off from the world in an effort to avoid getting hurt again. On some levels, it's a fairly obvious and unimportant revelation, I guess. On the other hand, for the first time I've given serious consideration into the notion of putting a stop to that, to not being so goddamn callous.

I dunno, though, it's just so damn hard. I mean, nothing I can do at this point will change the past. My closest friends moved away, my girlfriend dumped me (like, two years ago, and I really shouldn't give a fuck now but she meant the world to me, leaving me no choice but to desperately try just to forget her entirely). So there's a big part of me that says "Fuck it, you learned your lesson here, you got attached to people and everyone's gonna leave you eventually, so why bother?"

But, lately the lack of any real meaning to my life has been really bugging me. Used to be friendship and love, but for the longest time I had given up on that and tried desperately to find some meaning that doesn't involve other people. But maybe this is unrealistic - maybe my whole problem is that friendship/love really is the answer. But ack, another part of me is saying it's a sign of weakness and failure that I haven't been able to manage life on my own. After all, everyone else has dreams and passions, things they want to accomplish and all that jazz, and what is the most I've ever wanted? To be surrounded by close friends, to be loved. That's just fucking pathetic. Talk about setting the bar low.

I guess that's the other element of it - constant reminders that I'm too much of a pathetic loser to deserve friends or anything like that. *sigh*

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Mar. 28th, 2009 04:01 pm Memory eraser

Okay, here's my idea for a new invention - a device that erases all of your happiest memories. Okay, I know that sounds a little emo, okay, it sounds a lot emo, but let me explain. Most people think they'd want a device to erase bad memories. But if you did that, all you'd be left with were good memories, and then most of the things you did would seem like a downer compared to your memories. On the other hand, if all you have are bad memories, even on a relatively bland day, you can be hopeful and optimistic, because it's still so much better than all the horrible memories you have. Well, at least that's how I see it.

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Mar. 9th, 2009 03:59 pm Side Note

I frickin' hate my shower. Most mornings, the hot water will cut out and then cut back on at random. Plus I have low water pressure, which sucks. This morning was especially bad, with my reaction being pretty much along the lines of this.

Only less dance-able.

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Mar. 9th, 2009 05:32 am It doesn't matter, it's in the past!

Ugh... Anyone have any clue what's going on, because I sure as hell don't. Not with the world, and certainly not with myself. I feel even more confused than usual, but in all likeliness, it's my own fault. I mean, I have no friggin' clue what the future holds, really, what direction I want to go in life, but that's nothing new. I never really have any clue - which is frustrating as hell, because I end up doing things simply for the sake of doing them. I desperately want to avoid getting stuck, but it's hard as hell when you can't see where you're going.

And on the flip side, as usual, I seem ever-devoted to trying to sever all connections with my past. *sigh* I know why I do it... People that have gone, places that have gone, and I just can't cope, so I try to avoid acknowledging that any of it ever existed in the first place. Unfortunately, with no past and no future, I'm just here, stuck, forever in the moment, having absolutely no clue who the hell I am or where the hell I'm going.

And of course, as usual, my brain's onto me, and it won't let me be, because my brain's a bastard like that. So lately I've been having dreams about the past, of course, usually focusing on the more painful things, as well as reminding me of things that were great at the time but are painful now because they're gone.

And it all culminates with me watching "The Lion King" of all things, recently. It's kind of sad when you can relate to a Disney movie. But eh, I can't denied that I've tried to adopt the "Hakuna matata" lifestyle, and well, yeah... I just wish I knew what to do. I've never really had a compass in life, but I used to get along okay on instinct. But now even instinct's left me with no idea which way to go.

Sorry for the rant, and I know I haven't posted in a while - ironically, LJ is one of those things "in the past" for me, so I thought it'd be symbolic to post my thoughts here while I try to sort through it all.

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Feb. 5th, 2009 10:16 am Winter

Okay winter, that's it. I'm officially sick of you. Go away now. Seriously, nobody likes you. Just go already.

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Jan. 31st, 2009 01:26 pm Bah

Okay, I give up. This whole grad school thing was just a horrible mistake. I've got no money, no job, and honestly, I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels here because it'll be years before even the possibility of reaching my goal. Just what the heck was I thinking?

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Jan. 20th, 2009 08:40 am What have I done?

Damnit, I think my tendency to over-analyze and over-rationalize everything has finally gotten the best of me. Eh, I've been trying to figure out what's become of my life, and I realized - I tried so hard to peel it back to the bare bones, to eliminate everything that's unnecessary, and now that I have, it's like suddenly I realize that everything's pointless, and now I have no idea how to stop looking at life that way.

Bah, why do I always have the weirdest problems? It's like, every moment has a million different choices, but I can't see the point of any of them so I sit here not making any choices at all. Eh, maybe I'm just too dependent upon having others around to make my choices for me. Everyone else always seems to know what they want to do, whereas I never know until after I've done it.

And what's more, what really bugs me is that my dreams keep being vivid, and imaginative, and exciting, and yet my life is so dull. It's like, I just wish I could tap into that creativity that I know is buried somewhere deep in my subconscious, and I know it's there because I see examples of it every night, but I just can't access it.

Well, I think that's about enough of my bizarre, neurotic problems for now.


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Jan. 18th, 2009 08:58 am Homesick?

Strangest thing, I swear. For the first time since I first came here for college, I'm actually feeling homesick. It's the darndest thing. Then again, for the first time since coming here, I actually enjoyed being home for Christmas, too. I don't know what it is - I just have this desire to be back in McAllen. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the dream I had the other night that really shook me up, and I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually seriously thinking about moving back after the semester is over. *shrug* I just don't know...

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Jan. 13th, 2009 10:25 am Back in Minnesota

Well, finally, made it back. I ended up staying nearly a month, which wasn't the original plan, but eh, whatever, it's good to be back - aside from realizing that I had left my apartment in disarray while frantically packing. The trip was slightly dramatic, what with me accidentally leaving my keys behind and not being able to get ahold of my manager for the longest time, but I got to sleep in a bed last night, which was great. All in all, it's great to be home.

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Dec. 27th, 2008 08:51 am Etcetera

Alright, that's it. Okay, it's great to be home, but I've been sleeping on a couch for over a week now, and I'm ready to go back. Unfortunately, I'll still be here a while longer. Blech. It's nice to be home with family and all, and I enjoy the weather, but damn, I'm starting to miss having a place to myself.

Other than that, not much is up. School starts in February, apparently, so I don't have much to do for a while. Ugh... And I swear, I am officially tired of being in school - I've still got two or three years left, at least, and it just doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. *grumble grumble* As if I don't already have enough reasons to believe I'm a total failure.

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